


Après Théâtre

by Cabbage_Vampire



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Angst, Casual off-screen murder, Confrontation, Fate & Destiny, Humor, M/M, Nadja and Lazslo being horny, Original Character(s), Screw Destiny, Slow Burn, Useless Vampires, Vampire Slayer(s), bossy nandor, colin is the worst, nandor is bad at feelings, threat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:34:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25379959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cabbage_Vampire/pseuds/Cabbage_Vampire
Summary: Guillermo and Nandor face off after the Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires, but Nadja, Lazlo and Colin are unfortunately a bit distracting...
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 49
Kudos: 110





	1. Big Shiny Knife

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever! Hoping to have some more chapters written soon, because I hate to leave poor Guillermo hanging...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guillermo confronts Nandor after the incident at the theatre.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edited 9/8/20 because I was rather inconsistent with tenses in Chapter 1!)

Chapter 1 

‘Don’t care what the fuck your name is. We had to get our own laundry!’

Guillermo’s expression soured instantly. Abruptly, he drew a long knife from his rucksack and strode towards the stage.

‘Nandor!’ hissed Nadja. ‘The fuck did you say that for?! He’s going to kill us all too, just look at that bloody huge knife!’ She’s not wrong, it is a bloody huge knife. Very shiny too.

Laszlo shifted nervously in his seat as Guillermo advanced on them impassively. ‘I’m sure it’s fine, my darling, Giz- I mean Guillermo would never do a thing like that.’ He looks back at Guillermo’s scowl and hastily added: ‘We’re all friends here, aren’t we Gizmo?’.

As the vampire hunter reached the stage, Nandor shut his eyes and whined. ‘I didn’t mean it Guillermo! I was just very sad thinking you weren’t going to come back!’ Silence. ‘I know I seem very relentless but actually I am very scared so could you please put down the knife!’ Guillermo’s footsteps sounded very close now. Nandor, eyes screwed shut, made one last petulant bid for Guillermo’s mercy. ‘I am sorry, Guillermo, ok? Can you let me go now?’ He froze, waiting for the inevitable. 

He waited a second more and then got impatient. ‘Guillermo? If you are going to kill me, can you get it over with please?’ 

Suddenly, the ropes around him slackened and Nandor felt brave enough to open one eye. Guillermo stood in front of him, knife thankfully stowed away. He did not look very pleased though.

‘Guillermo!’ Nandor let out a sigh of relief. ‘Never do that again!’ His familiar’s expression was unreadable and Nandor felt panic welling up again, though for different reasons. He sounded sheepish. ‘We really missed you Guillermo.’ After a pause, he added through gritted teeth: ’I really missed you.’ 

He looked up hopefully, sure that this was what his familiar wanted to hear. ‘Guillermo?’

‘I KNOW!’ Guillermo looked a little taken aback at the strength of his own outburst, and hesitated. 

Nandor started disdainfully. ‘What do you mean, you know? You know what?’

Guillermo’s frustration got the better of him. 

‘I know you missed me! I know you care about me and it’s not just because I do your laundry, it’s because I’m always there for you. And I’m there because I care about you too but you just can’t be fucking nice to me for once! I just rescued you and all you can say is ‘where is my laundry Guillermo?!’ I know you’ll be back at it again tomorrow with the ‘clean my cape, Guillermo! Mop the floor Guillermo!’ but just for once, right now, could you say thank you?’. He finally let himself take a deep breath and mopped at his brow nervously.  
Killing vampires was easy; telling Nandor off was not. 

‘Well-‘ Nandor began uncertainly, before being suddenly interrupted.

‘I hate to break this fascinating conversation up’ - Colin did nothing of the kind - ‘but could you come and untie me? My feet are going numb and the doctor at my last check up said that I have unusually poor circulation. Of course, one of you could carry me home, but I have to warn you, that chub is still going pretty strong.’ Colin Robinson’s smirk was almost audible. 

Guillermo shuddered.

‘Fine. I’m waiting, master.’ 

He turned his back on Nandor and silently helped the others out of their restraints. 

‘Oh Gizmo, I could just kiss you!’ Lazlo bounded up, freed of his silver chains.

‘Um... please don’t’. Guillermo’s voice retreated back to an awkward murmur. 

‘Yes, well, maybe not.’ Lazlo conceded, and instead swept his lady wife into a passionate kiss.

‘My darling!’ cried Nadja rapturously. ‘Let us make love amongst the corpses of our enemies!’ 

‘No!’ Guillermo’s voice came out a little shrill. He continued at a more normal, apologetic pitch. ‘It’s nearly sunrise, we have to go’. 

‘Not even time for a little romp?’ Nadja’s face fell. ‘But I feel so alive! Lazlo my darling, we should nearly get killed more often!’ 

‘Perhaps Guillermo can entertain us with a little vampire-slayer role play some time’. Lazlo’s eyebrows wiggled suggestively.

‘Oh, no-‘ Guillermo started. 

‘Oh, yes’ Nadja grinned. ‘He ties you up and tries to stake you through heart’ - she posed, arm aloft, fangs bared in her best ‘Guillermo slaying the Council’ attitude - ‘before I fly in and save you!’ She threw herself in front of Lazlo, fighting off the imaginary Guillermo assailing him. ‘And then we fuck.’ She licked her lips with satisfaction at Lazlo. 

‘Sounds excellent my dear, although I rather thought I’d be the one doing the saving.’ 

Guillermo shot a tired look to the camera.

‘No-one is doing any saving. Well, I just did, but you seem to have forgotten that already. Can we please go?’

Nadja pouted. ‘Nandor, your familiar is getting altogether too familiar. One little massacre and he thinks he can tell us what to do!’ 

‘Nandor?’ 

She turned around huffily - ‘Nandor, will you please-‘ and stopped abruptly. Only Colin was sat behind them.

‘Oh yeah. He left. Two minutes ago’. Colin Robinson looked satisfied as ever to be the bearer of bad news. ‘Looked pretty upset too’, he said cheerfully. 

‘Shut up, Colin.’ Guillermo’s voice sounded a little strangled. ‘I’m sure he’s just gone home.’ 

‘Well, you can think that, if it makes you feel better.’ 

Guilt sneaked onto Guillermo’s face, soon replaced with a studiously uninterested expression. He was in the right, and no amount of Nandor’s sulking could change that. 

‘I guess I’ll just go home then’. Guillermo looked around hopefully as if that threat might bring Nandor out of the shadows, but nothing moved. 

He bit his lip reluctantly. ‘Ok, bye guys.’ 

‘We’re uh, gonna head out too folks’. The injured cameraman was being helped up from the floor. ‘Think we’ve got enough for tonight.’


	2. 7am Bedtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nandor and Guillermo are deeply in need of forty winks after the massacre at the theatre. Neither of them choose a sensible place to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know a lot of Spanish, so apologies if any of it is incorrect! Hope you enjoy <3

Chapter 2

That was one hell of a night, thought Cameraman Number 2, as he trudged out of the hospital and towards the van. He clambered into the front seat uncomfortably, every muscle aching. Vampires were hard work. Time for a nice long bath and a deep sleep before they did it all again tomorrow. 

He reached for the ignition, ready to head home, when a loud thumping noise made him freeze. 

‘What the fuck?’

He twisted round in his seat to look in the back, praying that none of the Vampiric Council had hitched a ride. Another thump. This time, he saw the camera crate shake suspiciously and had a very unwelcome inkling. 

‘...Nandor...?’

No response. 

He scrambled over into the back, foot crunching a lens cover that definitely hadn’t been there before. Camera equipment was strewn all over the floor. 

‘NANDOR?’ he yelled. 

‘Alright, alright, I am here, you don’t have to shout’. A peeved voice emanated from inside the crate. ‘I only just went to sleep and you are here, crashing around and waking me up. Kindly go away’.

‘Nandor, you can’t sleep in the van. You need to go home.’ 

‘Yes I can sleep in the van.’ Nandor was not going to budge. ‘I know because I am doing it right now. And you are not going to tell me what to do, Ned’. 

‘It’s Ed’. Ed sighed. 

‘Ok then Ed, nice to talk to you, I am going to sleep now!’ Nandor’s voice had an air of finality that irked Ed even more. He reached to yank the lid off the crate before remembering in the nick of time that the morning sun would fry Nandor in seconds, even through the van’s windows. As irritating as he was, Ed didn’t want that to happen. 

‘Fine. But I’m taking the van back to mine, so you’re going to have to find your own way home tonight.’ 

Silence. Ed decided that was agreement enough and hopped back into the driver’s seat. Nandor was a problem he’d worry about later.

—————

Guillermo unlocked the front door quietly and attempted to sidle past his mother without attracting her attention. 

‘Olá, tienes la mini nevera?’ She looked up from her cereal to smile at Guillermo and instantly freaked out. ’¡Dios mío! ¿Qué pasó?’

‘Nothing, mamá, I’m fine-‘

‘¿Es eso sangre? ¡Mi pobre chico!’

‘No, I-‘ Guillermo scrambled to come up with an explanation. ‘Ketchup’, he offered weakly. 

She did not look convinced, but he was close enough to the bathroom door by that point to slide in and slam it shut behind him. 

‘¿Guillermo?’

He sighed and called through the bathroom door.

‘I’m fine mamá’.

He peeled the bloodied trench coat off and threw it in the bath to soak, before sinking down to floor next to it. Why couldn’t he just leave Nandor and the others alone? This time, he’d had enough, he thought resolutely. Just because he saved them, didn’t mean he was going back. His nerve wavered a little as he thought of Nandor cheering him on as he fought, Nandor saying that he cared about him, right there on the stage when he thought Guillermo couldn’t hear. Nandor’s face softening as he told him he was a great familiar. His breath caught a little as he relived that moment, the feeling of his master’s arms wrapping around him in flight-

‘No, Guillermo, no’ he pleaded with himself aloud. ‘No more vampires. And definitely no more Nandor’. 

‘Guillermo? Voy a salir ahora.’ His mom paused and added ‘Cuídate, Memo’. 

‘I will, mamá’, he called back through the bathroom door. What he needed more than anything was sleep, but the bed was much too far away. The bathroom floor would have to do today.


	3. Interview with a Familiar

‘Nandor! Time to get up!’ Ed rapped on the lid of the crate. Dusk was falling and tonight’s filming was at the Cruz household. He needed to get going.

‘Five more minutes, Guillermo’ murmured a sleepy voice inside.

‘Nope, not Guillermo.’

‘Oh.’ Nandor’s voice was suddenly quiet.

‘I know you want to sulk, but you have to go home first’, Ed coaxed. He’d long come to accept that vampires weren’t the best at professional (or personal) boundaries, but having a vampire napping in his van was a new one. Better this than Lazlo’s attempts to instigate ‘cast and crew’ orgies, he thought.

Nandor breezily ignored his order. ‘Ok, how about we do a deal?’

Ed groaned. ‘No deals! I need you to get out of my van.’

‘Why can’t I just stay here? I promise I will be very quiet.’ Nandor raised the lid of the crate to peer at Ed. ‘You can just leave me be, I will be fine.’

‘Nandor! Don’t you want to go home?’ Ed could only see a little of Nandor’s face through the gap, but he could tell the vampire was hesitant. ‘Come on. I know you’re upset-'

‘I am not upset!’ Nandor said testily. ‘I am Nandor the Relentless, conquerer of kingdoms, twice-corrupter of the great Euphrates river. I do not get upset.’

‘Ok, ok. I don’t care whether you go home or not, I just need you to get out of my van. You can’t come with us tonight.’ He hoped that Nandor would be too self-absorbed to ask why, and sure enough, he was right.

‘Ned-Ed?’ Nandor sounded awkward again. ‘Can I sit in your flat? Just for a little while? I don’t want to go back to the house yet.’

  
‘Why? Surely not because of Guillermo?’ Ed teased, and instantly regretted it as Nandor hissed at him. ‘Ok, fine. It’s that window up there that’s open. Just for a while mind.’

  
‘So you invite me in then?’ Nandor grinned.

  
Ed rolled his eyes. ‘Yes, I invite you in.’ Anything to get this bloody vampire out of his way.

  
————————

  
He arrived at Guillermo’s flat to find the rest of the team already set up, and fended off the accusations of lateness with a bullshit excuse about traffic. He’d tell them later about Nandor, but not in Guillermo’s earshot. Ethical codes and all that stuff. If the two of them wanted to hide from each other, well, they could do that to their heart’s delight.

‘Ok Guillermo, let’s get started.’ The director was wasting no more time tonight.

‘Sure. So um, I’m back living with my mom’ - Guillermo paused - ‘and that’s great. Really, it’s great.’ He looked down at his hands before snapping his gaze back up to the camera. ‘Nothing has changed, I'm not going back to Nandor. I mean, I know I magically showed up in the nick of time to save his life, but it doesn’t mean we have some fated bond or something.' He laughed nervously and added with less than perfect certainty, 'That's definitely not a thing. I think. Anyway, he's not going to need rescuing again so that's it I guess.'

‘So you would help the vampires again? If they were in danger?’ The director spoke in a gently probing tone that put Guillermo on edge.

‘I mean, they’re my friends,’ he said defensively. ‘Even if they’re kind of mean sometimes. Nadja and Colin and Lazlo are like siblings to me. You know, sometimes your siblings are really annoying, sometimes they’re kind of embarrassing' - remembering the night at the theatre, he upgraded this to 'very embarassing' - 'but you still love them.’

‘And Nandor?’

‘I’m over Nandor. Nothing to say there.’ A forced smile lit Guillermo’s face. ‘I gave him plenty of chances to do the right thing and he’s not interested. It's time for me to move on.’ He seemed mostly convinced by his own assertion and repeated it for good measure. 'Yeah. I'm gonna move on.'

‘What next for the Mosquito Collectors?’

‘I don’t know if I can go back.’ Guillermo scratched anxiously at the back of his head, pulling at a curl. ‘I feel like I belong there but... I felt like I belonged with the vampires too. Maybe I should just go back to Panera and leave all the supernatural stuff behind. Although knowing my luck, it’ll end up being a banshee hangout or something.’ He laughed and then swore internally, fervently hoping he hadn't just cursed it.

‘Ok, that’s enough for tonight. Cut.’ The director turned to help the rest of the crew pack up.

Guillermo sighed and relaxed a little bit. ‘Is Adam ok after last night?’ he asked Ed. ‘I think I might have mistaken him for a vampire.’

‘Minor concussion and a couple of broken fingers. He’ll be back behind the camera in no time.’

Guillermo looked relieved. He didn’t want to kill anyone else by accident. Three vampires had been bad enough.

——————

  
THREE DAYS LATER

  
Ed is in front of the camera for the first time ever on What We Do In the Shadows, a little uncomfortable but rolling with it. He’s in the bathroom for some reason.

‘I forgot the cardinal rule of vampires, which is: never, ever, invite them into your house.’ The camera pans down to show Nandor, arms crossed, fast asleep in the tub. ‘It’s the only room without windows’ Ed offers by way of explanation. ‘No, I don’t know when he’s going to leave. Sooner rather than later, I hope.’


	4. Craigs, Fishes and Buckets.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kicking their heels at home after Nandor and Guillermo's disappearance, Nadja, Lazslo and Colin decide it's time to take action.

‘Colin Robinson?’

No response. Nadja tried again.

‘Colin Robinson, we are having a house meeting, please can you come upstairs.’ She and Lazslo had decided that a house meeting wasn’t really a house meeting with just the two of them, but as soon as the invitation was out of her mouth, it didn’t seem like such a good idea. ‘Actually, never mind, carry on with your day. Would be very boring anyway-'

Colin’s bedroom door swung open suddenly. ‘I wouldn’t dream of missing it.’

Nadja grimaced. ‘Ok, let’s go and have a meeting then.’

‘Is there an agenda? Because I have a few points I’d like to raise. Firstly-'

‘Alright, I’ll see you there!’ Nadja hastily backed away from him, hackles raised.

‘Seems a little redundant, considering you’re right here in front of me.’

‘No I’m not! See you later!’ A puff of acrid smoke and she was gone. 

‘I was only draining you a little bit!’ Colin called after her. ‘Fine, I guess I’ll walk up the stairs on my own.’

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Lazslo lay spread-eagled over the largest sofa in the fancy room, flicking his finger through a nearby candle’s flame. He barely looked up when Colin entered the room and sat, stiff as a board, on the awkwardly shaped stool opposite. 

Producing a clipboard from somewhere deep in her massive skirts, Nadja stood up importantly and began to read. ‘Two hundred seventy-first house meeting, order of business.’ 

‘Actually, it’s the two hundred and seventy third.’ 

‘How the fuck would you know? You haven’t even been invited to the last hundred and twenty three.’ Nadja said mockingly. Seeing Colin’s eyes glow in anticipation of an argument, Nadja quickly changed tack. ‘Actually, you know what, doesn’t matter. No feeding for you today.’ She flapped irritably at him and started over. ‘Order of business: Lazslo and I agree that without Nandor, this house has got very dull lately. Not because we miss Nandor but you know, it’s very lonely with just the two of us.’ 

‘Three of us.’ 

'Three of us.' Nadja conceded that yes, Colin lived with them too. ‘Not really the same, is it though. Nandor is all blood drinking and partying and good times and you are all’ - short for words strong enough to describe Colin, she rolled her eyes back into her skull and made a loud snoring noise. ‘Boring. You are boring. No offence, Colin Robinson.’ 

‘None taken. Although I can’t imagine why you would think living with me is dull. It’s a laugh a minute with us energy vampires. I have to admit though, I wish that he and Gizmo were back here. You guys always just taste a little dirty.’

‘Oooh, you hear that my darling? Colin says we taste dirty.’ Nadja nudged Lazslo, tongue raking over her fangs suggestively. There was disappointingly little response. ‘Eh, Lazslo? Are you even listening?’ 

He was still playing with the candle, now trying to set a scrap of paper alight. ‘Give me that.’ Nadja reached across him to grab at it, finally rousing Lazslo to speak.

‘Alright, alright, I’m paying attention.’ He cast a disgruntled look over to his wife.

‘Lazlo my darling, we discussed this earlier and you said you wanted a house meeting!’

‘Did I? My mistake.’ 

Nadja glared at him and he decided to put a little more effort in. ‘Ok, well, I have to admit that Nandor and I were pretty close pals even if we had our differences. He and I go way back.’ 

‘We all go way back. We are vampires.’ 

‘Yes my beauty, but Nandor and I had a special connection, you know.’

Nadja made a disparaging noise, but didn’t attempt to argue any further. ‘I agree with Lazslo. Without Nandor, the house has a very different vibe and I don’t like it. What are we going to do?’

‘I can go on Craigslist and find us a new housemate.’ 

Lazslo was fast to shut that one down. ‘I don’t want to live with your friends, Colin Robinson, especially not if they are called Craig.’ 

‘No, the website is called Craigslist. I still have an account from when I used to catfish the Personals board.’ He grinned malevolently.

‘No Colin, absolutely no Craigs and no fish.’ Nadja was not going to be drawn. ‘Nandor has only been gone a week and already you are trying to defile his memory with your shit friends.’ 

‘I thought you didn’t miss him.’

‘We don’t!’ Nadja was indignant. ‘But maybe he will come back soon and it would be very sad if somebody else had taken his place. Just don’t want to upset him you know.’ Lazslo loudly agreed. 

‘I mean, whatever you say guys. Sounds like maybe you need something to take your mind off it. A little distraction.’

‘Ah, you mean a nice little orgy or something?’ Lazslo’s interest was piqued. 

‘Not exactly. You know, humans have this thing called a ‘bucket list’. It’s sort of a mortals-only thing, but I’ve always wanted to try it.’ 

‘A “bucket list”?’ Lazslo sounded incredulous, but Nadja waved him quiet. She could not be sure, but it seemed like Colin might actually be being helpful right now. 

‘Oh it’s not an actual bucket. The phrase derives from-'

‘I think we can skip the history lesson thank you, Colin Robinson.’ 

‘Sorry. Force of habit. A bucket list is a list of all the things you want to do before you die. You know, regular human stuff - have a threesome, visit Australia, achieve a promotion that will only make them overworked and miserable. That kind of thing.’

‘Ok... so... we visit Australia?’ Nadja was uncertain. ‘Lazslo and I have already had plenty of threesomes.’

Lazlo leaned in conspiratorially. ‘I think what he’s suggesting my darling, is that we make our own list. Really get out there and show the world what amazing, sexy vampires we are.’ 

Colin nodded. ‘There we go. After all, life’s too short. Unless you’re a vampire, but after last week, I wouldn’t even count on that.’ 

‘Ok, well, what is the first thing going to be on this ‘bucket list’ then?’ Nadja was impatient to get started.

Colin’s evil twinkle returned. ‘I think I have an idea.’


	5. Forbidden Snacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nandor might have bitten off more than he can chew with his new roommate.

They filmed the day’s interview on the street outside the restaurant, bright afternoon sunshine glinting off Guillermo’s name tag. He'd only been back at Panera a couple of days, and every last moment had felt like deja vu, a throwback to being nineteen years old and full of plans that didn't yet revolve around the undead. 

‘What’s it like working a normal job after eleven years?’

‘It’s cool!’ Guillermo said, with genuine enthusiasm. ‘I like having coworkers that are nice to me, and leaving work when it’s still daylight. And I have time outside of work now!’ He tilted his head a little, thinking. ‘Although it’s kind of weird having free time. Even when I had a day off with Nandor, I was just using it to run my business and maybe watch TV a bit. I had to shut down Memo’s Man Milk because of’ - he paused to phrase it tactfully - ‘supply problems. And um, TV is fun for one night a week but I kind of don’t have any actual hobbies, except reading about vampires and killing vampires and thinking about being a vampire. But I’m making new friends and my life will be back to normal in no time. No vampires, and no vampire-hunting’ he said emphatically. ‘A fresh start.’

————————

Nandor’s pin-sharp hearing caught the sound of a key turning from inside Ed’s bedroom closet.

‘Ed? Is that you? Is it dark yet?’

Ed sighed and slammed the front door shut behind him, slinging his shopping bags onto the counter. ‘Yes, it’s me. Who the fuck else would it be after you ATE JASON?’ He yelled loudly enough through the wall that Nandor could not pretend he hadn’t heard, and sure enough, the response was swift and defensive.

‘Why are you still angry about that? How was I supposed to know he was your roommate?’

Ed shouted back, pulling out groceries with haphazard irritation. ‘Because you saw him here, in this flat, every single day for the last week. I’m not dealing with your shit any more Nandor, you can amuse yourself this evening. I’ve got a date tonight.’

The vampire materialised in front of him suddenly. ‘A date? Are they a virgin?’ He looked at Ed hopefully.

‘No.’ Ed replied shortly. He pulled some garlic out and shunted it towards Nandor, who recoiled with a hiss.

‘You don’t have to do that, I promise I won’t eat any more of your friends.’

Ed said nothing, but added a second and then third bulb to the pile.

Nandor’s voice slid to a wheedle. ‘I am very sorry about your roommate, Ed. Please can you get rid of the garlic?’

‘No.’ 

Nandor stood in silence for a moment, surprised. ‘Guillermo would get rid of it,’ he said.

‘Well Guillermo is an idiot who lets you walk all over him.’

‘What the fuck did you just say about my familiar?’ Nandor lunged over the counter, fangs drawn and eyes flooded with inky black pupils. The effect was broken slightly by a peculiar smell of burning skin and garlic. ‘Ouch.’ He pulled his hand back sharply and gingerly touched the scorch mark left behind, scowling accusingly at Ed. ‘Now look what you’ve done.’ Turning with a flourish, he threw himself into bat form and out of the window, flapping away into night sky.

—————————-

It was only a couple of hours later that Ed wandered home, feeling deflated. He slammed the door behind him and headed straight for the freezer, before realising that he’d been too busy arguing with Nandor to put the ice cream away. Or the beer either, as it turned out, but at least that was OK lukewarm. 

He sank down on the sofa and opened up Tinder with minimal enthusiasm. Jesus, this shit really saps the life out of you, he thought. Ed was turning over the prospect of just deleting it and ditching the whole dating thing entirely when a voice right by his ear made him jump and chip his beer bottle hard against his front teeth.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Fuck! You scared the life out of me.’

Nandor was crouched silently behind him. ‘Who are these pictures of? She is nice. Very appealing veins.’

Ed sighed. ‘It’s Tinder. It’s for meeting people to date.’ He looked over at Nandor, about to bring up their earlier argument, and decided against it. At least he was entertaining company.

‘How does it work?’ Nandor gestured vaguely at the screen. ‘I thought you already had a date?’

‘Unfortunately, it doesn’t guarantee they like you.’

‘Oh.’ Nandor scrunched his face up uncomfortably. He caught a hint of feelings in Ed’s voice, and they were not his strong suit. ‘I could hypnotise them for you?’

Ed laughed. ‘No thanks, dude. Thanks for the offer though.’ After a second’s silence, he tentatively added, ‘I’m sorry about earlier by the way. I shouldn’t have been rude about Guillermo.’

‘That’s ok.’ Nandor nodded magnanimously. ‘Humans make mistakes.’ He caught a warning look in Ed’s eye and reluctantly said, ‘I am sorry too. For killing Jacob. Even though he was going to die eventually anyway.’

‘In sixty years! Oh forget it. We weren’t that close anyway.’

Nandor grinned, glad to be out of hot water. ‘Show me more of this Tinder, Ed. We will find you a date.’

‘And what about you?’

‘What about me?’

‘Aren’t you lonely? I mean, I’m here being depressed about not having a girlfriend for the last four years. You haven’t dated anyone for centuries!’

The resulting snarl told Ed he’d probably better drop the subject - but he had his suspicions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nandor's an idiot, but it's really, really hard to stay mad at him...


	6. C-Man Strikes Back

Nadja chatted eagerly to the camera as they walked to the bus stop. 

‘Tonight, Colin Robinson is taking us to the scariest place in Staten Island! So exciting!’ She bit her lip and smiled in anticipation, fangs sticking out goofily. ‘Oooh, look! I think that’s a good omen.’ She pointed to a velvety bat wheeling overhead. ‘Looks a little familiar. Maybe he came to one of our orgies?’

‘Mangy-looking creature if you ask me. I don’t think that’s a good omen. In fact, I am getting very bad omens only. He’s up to something.’ Laszlo jabbed a finger in the direction of Colin Robinson, walking ahead of them.

‘You know I can hear you, right?’ he called, not looking back.

‘Don’t give a fuck,’ Laszlo retorted. Nadja went to stomp on his toe and missed, cracking a huge branch underfoot instead. 

‘Laszlo! Colin Robinson is trying to be nice to us! Do you want to find this bucket list or not?’ 

‘I don’t think we’re finding it, I think we make it. Newfangled idea if I may say so.’ He adopted a learned tone and leaned into the camera. ‘Call me a Luddite, but back in my day you never got to make your own decisions, and we were better for it.’ 

Nadja seized her chance. ‘Ok, well darling, I am making a decision for you. You are going to stop bitching about Colin Robinson.’

‘I didn’t mean like that.’ 

‘Like what then?’

Nadja shot a look to the camera, sure she’d won the fight, and the resulting silence from Laszlo agreed. He remained in an irritable state until the bus arrived. 

\------------------------------- 

They rolled up in New Dorp half an hour later, piling off the bus like kids on a school trip. 

‘Are we here? I can’t feel very much dark energy yet, I have to say.’ Nadja looked around, unimpressed. ‘It’s just a bunch of human shops. Not even any witches.’

‘Told you.’ It was Laszlo’s turn for a smug glance to camera. Nadja hissed, but didn’t try to argue. 

Colin waved them on, speed-walking past a gym and two beige ’n’ basic cafes. ‘Follow me.’ 

‘See, maybe we are going into a sewer or a dungeon or something.’ Nadja scanned along the sidewalk for convenient trapdoors, but nothing caught the eye except a large black dog, which promptly skedaddled into the shadows.

‘I don’t think most shops have dungeons my dear. Not the ones on this street anyway.’

‘We’re here,’ Colin announced. He stood a little more stiffly than usual.

Nadja stopped dead over a manhole cover. ‘Here?’ She pointed with intrigue at the floor. 

‘No, no, here.’ 

Following Colin’s finger, they saw a zingy green sign presiding over freshly-painted frontage, casting the rest of the street into grungy comparison. Laszlo peered at the writing. 

‘Preachin’ Paleo, Superfood Shake Bar. The fuck does that mean?’ He gave Colin a withering look. ‘I thought the point of the bucket list was that we do something exciting. I’ve seen actual buckets more interesting than this.’

‘I should have known you were full of shit, Colin Robinson. This isn’t exciting. It’s not even scary.’ 

Nadja grabbed Laszlo’s arm, ready to leave. 

‘Wait! Ok, so maybe I was bullshitting you a bit, but this place really does give me the heebie-jeebies.' Colin’s voice moved just enough from monotone that Nadja and Laszlo actually paid attention. 

‘Really? You are not having us on? This pathetic little hole of human milk-drinkers is actually very dangerous?’

‘Oat-milk drinkers.’ Colin could not resist a correction. ‘It’s not exactly dangerous, but it is terrifying. I mean, look at them.’ Both vampires and crew clustered closer to the window, intrigued. ‘Look at _him._ ’ He gestured at a young athleisure-ed man sitting by the bar, who had not stopped talking since they arrived. ‘He is incredibly, powerfully boring.’ 

‘So are you though?’ Nadja gave a ‘what the fuck?’ shrug to the camera, still confused.

Colin eyed their subject uneasily. ‘But he’s different. He’s not an energy vampire. He’s not even trying. It’s like, here I am trying to perfect my craft and yet everyone in this place is just way more talented than I could ever be, without lifting a finger. And Staten Island is only a fraction as bad as the Manhattan branches. I nearly passed out during a debate on the relative benefits of goji versus acai.’ He shuddered. 

‘What you mean is, this place actually is on your bucket list?’ The cogs in Laszlo’s head turned slowly sometimes, but he was putting two and two together now. 

‘I know, it’s embarrassing. An energy vampire being too anxious to drain. That’s why I brought you guys, for moral support. Tonight, I want to face my fears and drain every last human here.’ 

‘We believe in you, Colin Robinson! Death to your enemies!’ Nadja started to warm up to the cheerleading, volume rising to a shout. ‘Who's the most boring?' 

Colin wavered slightly, but the look on Nadja’s face spurred him to the most emphatic statement he’d ever mustered. ‘I’m the most boring.’ 

‘Yesss! Now let’s go in there and drain them dry! Staten Island Vampires forever, baby!’ 

\------------------------------ 

Four hours later, Colin Robinson sat contentedly inside, draining the last patron for everything she’d got, whilst Laszlo and Nadja lay gorged on the roof. They mugged to the one cameraman who had made it up there with them, nudging each other and giggling. Ed stood washing his hands in the staff bathroom, happy they’d got some good footage and tasty smoothies out of that night’s work. He nearly dropped his second Banana-Maca-Berry of the night when a bat suddenly flapped straight at him. 

‘What the hell! Nandor!’ 

It morphed instantly to the sheepish form of one very sneaky vampire.

‘Have you been following us around all night?’ 

‘Ye-es.’

Ed sighed, exasperated. ‘You know they’re not mad at you right? They don’t care that your familiar is a vampire-slaughtering maniac. They really don’t care if you knew either. So why are you hiding from them?’ 

Nandor played with the hem of his cape awkwardly. ‘I was hoping that maybe if I followed you, you would know where Guillermo is. That is why I am here tonight.’

‘So you’re going home with the others then?’ 

‘I did not say that.’ 

‘Why not? If this is just about Guillermo, then why can’t you go home with them?’

‘To tell the truth, it is a bit embarrassing. In fact, forget I was going to tell the truth.’ He waved a hand fruitlessly towards Ed, who remained un-hypnotised and unimpressed. ‘Never mind. See you at home!’ 

With that, he was gone, leaving Ed to roll his eyes, pack his bags and wonder if Nandor and his ancient crew would ever grow up. Probably not, but he was going to do his best to make it happen anyway.


	7. Nandor's Night Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nandor and Ed hit the tiles for a night of dancing and some mild to moderate soul searching.

Plonking down on the bus after a long shift, Guillermo tentatively opened Whatsapp. He hadn’t officially resigned from the Mosquito Collectors - they’d been very quiet after that unfortunate first outing - but he couldn’t see himself going back either. Now that the Collectors seemed to be back in action, he had to make a decision. 

_Saturday meeting? Got new leads._

Staring at the message, he started heavy breathing so hard the person in front moved seats. What if it was his vampires? There were loads of vampires in New York. But were there, now he’d murdered so many? Maybe Nandor and Nadja and Laszlo were the only ones left on Staten Island? If it wasn’t them, then the Collectors were in danger, if it was them, everyone was in danger…

Eventually, Guillermo emerged from his thoughts, and realised he’d missed his stop.

\-------------------------------------------

‘Ed?’

‘Yes?’

‘Do you think this is a good look for a human nightclub?’ Nandor waltzed into the living room with a flourish, one arm tucked behind his back. His long hair glittered, globs of sparkle all over his face. Ed was impressed he’d skipped the cape, at any rate, so he nodded. 

‘Great. And I got us glowsticks!’ He whisked them out to show Ed, grinning. ‘Which colour do you want?’

‘Do I have to?’ 

‘Yes! How is anyone going to notice you without them? We are going to get you laid!’ Nandor brandished the glowsticks triumphantly. 

Ed rolled his eyes, but still smiled. ‘Don’t worry, I don’t need a wingman tonight. Just gonna have fun and not worry about all that.’

Nandor shrugged and piled all fifteen glow sticks onto his own arms instead.

\-------------------------------------------

Two hours later, Ed was several drinks down, and Nandor was even further on.

‘Oh man, you have blood all over your shirt. How many people did you drink?’

‘Just a few, like, five?’ Nandor beamed at Ed and licked his fangs. ‘Only a little bit drunk, I have a very strong constitution. From being a warrior.’ He stood up suddenly and loomed over the people on the next table, waving an imaginary sword aloft. ‘I am a WARRIOR!’

‘Woah, woah, dude.’ Ed reached for his arm and winced an apology at their table. ‘You’ll get us thrown out.’

Nandor slumped back down. ‘You are right. They don’t find me very scary anyway.’ He suddenly looked despondent, rubbing the glitter off his face miserably. ‘Only a true warrior deserves this glee-ter.’

‘C’mon, you are terrifying. I just meant you can’t be terrifying here.’ Ed saw all the signs of a sad drunk coming on, and they hadn’t even got to the club yet.

‘Oh yeah, I’m so terrifying, even my own familiar had to rescue me.’ 

‘Nandor, he had to rescue everyone else too.’

‘I know but.’ Nandor stopped mid-sentence to wallow in his misery. ‘Just not feeling very relentless any more. I haven’t done any pillaging for ages and worse—’ he leaned towards Ed and whispered, ‘—I’m not even sure I want to any more.’

‘Congrats on joining the 21st century.’ Nandor's scowl deepened, so Ed tried again more kindly. ‘You’re still killing people left and right. That’s not exactly un-relentless.’

‘But they are humans.’ Nandor said, as if it were self-explanatory. 

‘Is that why you won’t go home? Because you're embarrassed?’

Nandor did not answer. Instead, he swept to his feet and said, ‘We are getting out of here. I want to have fun and I cannot have fun when they are looking at me like that.’ He cast a dirty look at the table beside them.

‘Ok, wait a sec.’ Ed drained his beer. ‘Let’s head.’

\-------------------------------------------

By the time they got to the club, Nandor was in a much better mood. Eyes shut and arms flailing, he launched himself into the Macarena as house beats thundered around them and Ed covered his eyes in embarrassment. 

‘Come on Ed! It is very easy, I will teach you!’ 

He started to say that you couldn’t really do the Macarena to a song like this, but the joy in Nandor’s face made him stop. There were perks to being eight hundred years old and not giving a shit, Ed thought, and he pushed past his own awkwardness to join in.

They stumbled out to the smoking area some time later sweaty and exhausted, Nandor’s arm wrapped around Ed’s shoulder as his legs wobbled beneath him.

‘Look at this man! Anyone want to have sex with him?’ He turned to the nearest person and pointed at Ed encouragingly.

‘No, no, no’ Ed slurred. ‘No wingmanning please Nandor. I’m straight anyway.’

‘Sorry, he’s not interested.’ Nandor smiled apologetically at the man as Ed hustled them away. ‘Eesh. Straight? Humans are so weird.’ 

They sank down, backs against the wall, Ed heaving a sigh of relief as he reached the ground. ‘I think I’ve had enough for tonight.’

‘There, there. Please don’t puke on me, I think Guillermo will be upset if he has to clean that up. Oh.’ Eyes downcast, Nandor remembered yet again that there would be no familiar to go home to. After a moment of uncharacteristically deep thought, picking at his fading glowsticks, he said, ‘I should apologise to Guillermo.’

‘Mhm.’ Lurching forward at the hip, Ed threw up on both their feet. ‘You owe him.’

‘Ok, Ed, I think it is time for you to go home.’

‘Mhm.’ He was not about to argue.

\------------------------------------

Nandor and Ed layed half-asleep in the back of the taxi, when an idea occurred to Nandor. ‘Guillermo de la Cruz? Guillermo de la Cruz? I am calling you through the ether. I know you are there!’

‘Nandor, it is 4am.’ Guillermo’s voice came ringing back, making Nandor suddenly both wide awake and completely tongue-tied.

‘I know, I was just… thinking about the laundry,’ he offered weakly.

'Good for you. I’m hanging up.’ 

Ed whispered, ‘Can he even do that?’ at Nandor, who looked just as baffled.

He hissed back, ‘I don’t know. Nobody has ever tried to before', and steeled himself for one more try. 'Guillermo, if you can hear me, I am sorry.’

There was no response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is slightly turning into a Nandor/Ed buddy comedy but honestly I just like imagining how Nandor would interact with a human who is pretty unimpressed by him (lol). Don't worry, the ship is still sailing, I'm just making Nandor suffer ;)


	8. Áine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling into life at Panera should be easy, but the supernatural world will just not leave Guillermo alone.

Guillermo fixed a cappuccino with zest, surprisingly alert despite Nandor’s late-night interruption. He’d spent the morning savouring his day job; pure, human mundanity. It seemed like his optimism was rubbing off on the customers too. The tip jar filled quickly, and no-one had been a dick yet in two hours of his shift. Today, he didn’t even have to fake a smile - it sprang naturally to his face, ready to offer up a ‘Hey, what can I get you?’ to the next person in line. Before he could though, she burst out with—

‘Guillermo de la Cruz! Is it really you?’

Panic-stricken, he looked at her and totally blanked. Surely they hadn’t met before. He’d remember someone that distinctive-looking; pallid skin with a mere trace of freckles, and ginger curls falling to waist length - especially impressive on someone six foot tall. Blinking with confusion, Guillermo suddenly caught her gaze, and stumbled backwards. Her eyes. They were consumed with grey irises and no pupils to be seen, rimmed a sickly salmon pink worse than any infection could conjure.

‘You’re a VAMPIRE! How did you—’

‘Don’t be daft! I’m a banshee!’ She grinned to show teeth more like tombstones than fangs. ‘Your vampires couldn’t be walking around in the daylight now, could they?’ 

‘But—’ Guillermo noticed his colleagues staring and changed his tone to a strained customer-service cheer. ‘What can I get you? And how do you know who I am?’

‘You know what a banshee’s job is. Singing for the dead and all that. We’re quite acquainted with the comings and goings from this mortal plane, well, goings mostly. You’ve caused quite a lot of goin’s for a human, and fair play to you. Kind of a legend, in fact. I had no idea you worked here.’ She pointed at his name tag. Her Irish accent was brisk and friendly, making Guillermo relax a little. 

‘So um, your order?’

‘Oh, yes, honey and lemon tea please. That’d be grand. Looks like you’ve got a busy weekend, eh? Fair few vampires on my list tomorrow.’

Guillermo splashed himself with boiling water and swore. ‘Sorry, what?’. He thought anxiously of the Collectors, supposed to meet the next day. ‘That’s not me though, I’m not doing that any more.’

‘Of course, as you say.’ Her cold eyes twinkled in amusement. ‘Not like anyone else in New York is up to the job. Haven’t seen a hunter like you in donkey’s years.’

‘No, no, no, there are plenty of other hunters.’ Guillermo swallowed, and an idea occurred. ‘Wait, are there any humans on your list?’

‘Are you codding me? Of course there are humans on my list.’

‘Anyone called Shanice? Ton—’

‘Ohhhhh. You mean specific humans. I can’t be telling you that, I’m sorry.’ She took her tea and threw a coin into the tip jar. ‘Cheers for the tea, pal. I’m Áine by the way. Keep up the good work!’ 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Guillermo stewed anxiously all the way home. Clearly, the Collectors actually were on to some vampires, and that meant they were in danger. He thought of their last outing - Tonya screaming, Shanice nearly dying, Claude shooting himself in the foot - and knew that whatever vampires they managed to kill would involve at least as many casualties. Reluctantly, he typed out a message.

_Sorry for not responding. I’ll be there._

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Mosquito Collectors were swinging by any minute to pick him up, but Guillermo was still rooting under his bed for more stakes. Every box under there was a mess of stuff from the old house, hastily thrown together, sealed up since the day he swore not to use it again. And he would hold himself to that; tonight was a special exception, not a return to his old life. Admittedly, he had only managed two weeks before being dragged right back into the supernatural, but that was just a coincidence and absolutely nothing to do with secret desires or a fated Van Helsing bloodline.

‘One more time, then you’re done with vampire stuff.’ Guillermo told himself, fishing another box out. He definitely had some holy water left somewhere. Ripping off the sticky tape, the box sprang open to reveal a photo packed right at the very top. His master, smiling and proud. All Guillermo’s thoughts about vampires and banshees slammed to a halt, for a second consumed by the thought of Nandor - Nandor the person, not a vampire to kill, or his master to serve. His cheeks tingled, warming as last night’s call flooded back into his brain. _Guillermo, if you can hear me, I am sorry._ Forgiveness seemed intoxicatingly possible.

As quickly as the feeling came, it washed away, leaving Guillermo seized up inside. He’d chosen to walk away, and he had to stick to that.

‘¡Guillermo! ¡Tus amigos son aquí!’ 

‘Hang on a minute!’ Guillermo thrust the photo under his sheets and scrambled up. ‘I’m coming!’

He barely made it two steps before Claude and Tonya rushed into his room, eager to get going.

‘Guillermo! It’s so good to see you, man.’ Claude wrapped him into a huge hug. ‘You’ll never guess who we met.’

Tonya jumped in. ‘Yeah, ANOTHER group of vampire hunters!’

‘Tonya, he was supposed to guess.’

‘Oh. Anyway, you have to meet them, Jackie is such a cool guy!’

‘Sorry, did you say Jackie?’ Guillermo had a nasty feeling. The universe had dealt him a hell of a lot of coincidences lately, and if he was right, this was the worst one yet.


	9. Jackie Daytona, Vampire Hunter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nadja and Laszlo are hunting for thrills, making Guillermo's divided loyalties even harder to handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo, boy, this chapter turned out LONG. Hope you enjoy anyway!

The van door slid open to reveal Guillermo’s suspicions were true. ‘Jackie Daytona’ lay nonchalantly reclined across two seats, holding forth to the documentary crew. Not missing a beat, he turned to Guillermo and said— 

‘And who’s this? I believe I recognise you - Guillermo, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah. I wasn’t expecting to see you here, _Jackie_.’ Guillermo gave Laszlo’s toothpick a lingering, disdainful look. ‘Didn’t know you were into vampire hunting now.’ Poking his head into the van, he felt a twinge of disappointment. Only Nadja and Colin were inside. 

‘You know Jackie?’ Shanice was breathless with awe. ‘He’s been telling us all about this vampire he chased all the way to Pennsylvania. Killed him with a pool cue!’

‘Hmm. Sounds kind of unbelievable to me.’ Guillermo cast a sarcastic look to the cameras, but Laszlo was on a roll and not about to stop. 

‘Ah, ignore him. We’re old friends - Guillermo here’s just a bit jealous of me. Got a lot to learn when it comes to vampire hunting, but I’ll show him how it’s done!’

‘Oh, really?’ The temptation to out the vampires itched at Guillermo.

‘Ok guys, time to get going. Guillermo, you riding up front?’ Claude looked nervously up into the dark sky. ‘Wish we didn’t keep doing this at night.’

‘I uh, I think I’m gonna catch up with Jackie if you don’t mind.’

Claude shrugged. ‘Suit yourself.’ 

They piled in, Collectors in the front and vampires in the back. As the engine revved, Guillermo took his chance.

‘What the hell are you doing here? If they catch you, you’re’— he made a ‘khssshk’ noise and mimed staking himself. 

‘Pfffft. Humans are terrible vampire slayers.’ Nadja said.

‘More likely to kill each other, I imagine.’ Laszlo chuckled at his own joke, and it sent both of them into a fit of giggles. Even Colin looked amused.

Guillermo tensed his jaw and tried again. ‘But why are you here?’

Nadja shushed him theatrically before spilling the beans. ‘Colin has got us doing this bucket thing.’

‘Bucket list, my darling.’

‘Yes, that’s it, bucket list. And we thought, what’s the most exciting thing? More near-death experiences. So we joined the vampire slayers!’ She held out a hand to Laszlo, who took it lovingly.

‘Exactly. Colin got us in, don’t ask me how he found them. Internet shenanigans.’ 

‘You left a business card behind, and I googled them.’

‘That’s what I said. Internet shenanigans.’ Laszlo was in far too good a mood to be brought down by Colin Robinson. 

Curiosity got the better of Guillermo. ‘Did Nandor not want to come?’

‘We haven’t seen Nandor since the theatre, old chap. Devil knows what’s happened to him.’

‘I think he’s still sulking.’ Nadja cackled with derision, setting Laszlo off again, and the pair of them exchanged whispers for the rest of the journey. Guillermo fingered the knife in his pocket and worried, wishing he’d returned Nandor’s call. Maybe he really was sorry.

\- - - - - -- - - - -- - -- - - - -

They parked up outside a small, white-slatted house that looked exactly like every other one on the street. Neatly cropped grass led up to the front porch, and a freshly-cleaned blue car sat sparkling in the driveway. There were no suspicious topiaries to be seen.

‘Are you sure this belongs to a vampire?’ Guillermo called after Claude and Tonya, scanning the street for passing neighbours as they began to pick the front-door lock.

To his surprise, it was Nadja that answered.

‘Yes, it does!’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because, we were here—’ Nadja stopped as Shanice turned to join their conversation, and hastily came up with a lie. ‘We can just tell. Very experienced vampire hunters, remember.’ She nodded solemnly at Shanice, who looked a little sceptical.

Laszlo whispered into Guillermo’s ear, ‘We came to an orgy here back in the Swingin’ Sixties. Not very swingin’ if you ask me. More like stiff as a board, and not in the fun way.’

‘Alright, guys. We’re in!’ Claude waved them forward. Shanice and Tonya disappeared inside, followed by Colin, and Guillermo took the opportunity to lay down the law.

‘You two are gonna stay with me - do not go near the others, and do not get in my way.’

Nadja and Laszlo nodded enthusiastically, and produced a stake each from their back pockets.

‘What are you DOING?’ Guillermo hissed. ‘You might hurt yourselves.’

‘We have to look the part! Don’t worry, we’re not going to use them. Killing another vampire? Can you imagine?’ 

Guillermo shook his head, but kept going, edging into the house with crucifix outstretched. The carpet underfoot was immaculately cream, a shade Nadja and Laszlo’s messy eating habits would make impossible. Crouched low, he motioned them to follow, eyes flickering in search of any vampires. They snuck through the kitchen carefully, pattering footsteps soft against the linoleum. Guillermo had almost forgotten about his vampires’ presence when a sudden hockling sound broke the silence. Nadja was methodically spitting on each of the family photographs that lined the wall, aiming for the heads.

‘What are you doing?!’ Guillermo motioned frantically at her to stop.

Nadja looked totally unrepentant. ‘Revenge for the orgy!’

He took a deep, calming breath and kept going, determined not to be led off-track. A squelchy sound underfoot caught his attention. Blood. Fresh blood. They had to be here somewhere. Guillermo bent down to examine it, torch following its trail all the way to the cupboard where—

‘Laszlo!’ 

‘Aha!’ Laszlo yanked the door open with gusto, and came face to face with one of the house’s inhabitants, still dripping from his last meal. Their eyes locked for a split second and Guillermo seized his chance, surging upwards towards them and planting a stake with precision into his target’s sharply-suited chest. 

To his horror, the dying vampire let out a piercing screech.

‘LASZLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’

Pounding footsteps followed the scream. Shanice was first, tripping over her own laces in the doorway in her haste to help out. Her face fell as she realised the vampire was already dead.

‘That was fast.’ She paused, confused. ‘Did he say ‘Laszlo’?’

‘Er, I guess his name was Laszlo?’ Nadja sounded shifty.

Shanice narrowed her eyes, but another piercing sound reached them - this time human - and they wheeled around to sprint after it.

Ed was backed into the living room corner behind a protective sofa, Claude and Tonya forming a human shield. Crosses out, they held steadfast, staring down the menacing vampire. She levitated inches off the floor, petticoats swirling in a supernatural gust. 

Claude stepped forward. ‘Let me take this one, man!’ Guillermo nodded, hanging back, watching as Claude fumbled with the screw cap of his holy water. _Come on, come on,_ he thought, _she’s gonna get us if you don’t kill her right now._

Seeing a familiar face enter the room, she rent the air with a scream. 

‘NADJAAAAAAAA!’ 

Guillermo could not wait any longer. Charging dagger-first at the howling vampire, he swung the blade deep into her heart asshe struck back, stiletto point raking down his thigh. Opening her mouth her mouth one final time, she pointed at Nadja, ready to scream again, and he shoved a bulb of garlic between her fangs to stop her.

‘Hey, she was mine!’ Claude said, mildly offended. Guillermo could only shrug.

As the corpse crumbled to dust, Shanice spoke. ‘It’s so weird, these bloodsuckers keep saying their own names. Is that like a vampire thing?’

‘Uh, yeah, I’ve definitely read about that before,’ Guillermo babbled, eyes beseeching Nadja and Laszlo to stay back and out of danger. Laszlo in particular was worrying him, his eyes manic and hungry, and then Guillermo realised that blood was spurting from his thigh. Eyes hot and stomach churning, Guillermo held the wound together. ‘Bandages, anyone?’

‘Oh, yeah!’ Tonya scrabbled in her backpack, but to his surprise, it was Nadja that stepped forward, yanking a throw off the couch and tossing it at him. 

‘Here! Hurry up and stop the bleeding.’ She turned away abruptly, pulling Laszlo out of the room with her. Staunching the blood, it occurred to Guillermo that Nadja was actually being nice. 

He had no time to think about it though, because Tonya suddenly gasped, ‘Where’s Colin?’

‘Shit. I think he went upstairs? Let’s go.’ Claude ran, pulling Guillermo up on the way. 

They thundered up the steps, Ed and Guillermo lagging behind.

‘You should probably go to the ER, you know’

Guillermo nodded. ‘After this. Gotta keep them safe.’ He waved limply in the direction of both vampire and vampire-slayer alike. 

Dragging himself up the last stair, he followed the others through the open door to see Colin sitting calmly on the bed beside a snoozing vampire.

‘And as I was saying, this bed is really a prime example of mid-century design. Molded plywood, it’s a classic. Truly a versatile material…’

‘Colin. I think you’ve done enough!’ Laszlo wiggled his thumb at the Mosquito Collectors, who were looking pretty dazed too.

‘OK, OK. Just having a snack break. Hey Gizmo, I think this guy’s ready for you.’

Guillermo pushed past Claude and Tonya to finish the job, swiftly dispatching the vampire with another slash of his knife. 

‘Is that all of them?’ 

‘Yes, there’s only three.’ Nadja noticed Shanice’s eyes on her once again, and added ‘In the photos downstairs.’ 

Claude broke free of his stupor. ‘Oh, man! I still haven’t killed any vampires!’ 

Tonya was displeased. ‘Yeah. Guillermo, next time could you let us have a go please? It’s like you want to steal all the glory!’

‘Hey, it’s not his fault we’re useless!’ 

‘Thanks Shanice, it’s nice to know somebody appreciates me.’ Guillermo threw his backpack to the floor and collapsed next to the bed. 

‘No, it’s cool. I know you saved all our bacon. Even if I could have killed that bloodsucker back there.’ Claude slapped him encouragingly on the shoulder. ‘Good work team! Another bunch of parasites removed from this earth.’ He clapped Laszlo and Nadja’s hands into firm handshakes. ‘Welcome to the crew.’ 

Laszlo and Nadja hugged tight, bouncing up and down like excitable children. 'Darling! We did it!'

Tonya grinned and pulled a bottle from her tool belt. ‘Christening time.’

‘No.’ Guillermo’s eyes widened, realising what she was about to do through a fog of pain. 'No, don't—'

‘Chill out!’ Tonya laughed. ‘Hey, Jackie! Get ready!’

‘Hmm? ARGH!’ 

Acrid smoke filled the air. Laszlo choked and stumbled, skin charring where he’d been splashed.

Shanice was the first to react. ‘I knew it! I knew there was something weird about you.’ She appealed to Claude, finger pointed angrily at ‘Jackie’. ‘They’re VAMPIRES!’

‘Ahahaha, yes! Very funny.’ Nadja said weakly. The team looked unconvinced.

Laszlo panicked. ‘Fuck this, we need to get out. Bat!’ 

‘Stop them!’ Tonya yelled.

Shanice and Claude reached for their crossbows, bolts loosing simultaneously and thwacking into the wall in unison. The sound recordist ducked.

‘Hey! Watch what you’re doing!’

‘They’re getting away!’ 

‘Fuck!’ 

Nadja and Laszlo were gone, bats shrieking and wheeling down the stairs and out to safety. Guillermo heard a creak behind him, and turned to see Colin mouthing goodbye, half-out of the window. With a sharp thud, he was gone, and all eyes in the room fell on Guillermo. 

Claude spoke first.

‘So. You wanna explain how you know those guys?’


	10. Destiny vs Guillermo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since his vampire and vampire-hunting worlds collided, Guillermo has been more conflicted than ever. Maybe Áine can help?

Nandor was lounging on the couch, three films into his Twilight marathon, when Ed got home.

‘Ed! There you are!’ He stopped and sniffed the air. ‘Is that… blood?’ 

The microwave pinged in the background, and plastic rustled. 

‘Eeeeeed?’

‘Chill out! I’m just making dinner.’ Ed glanced at the clock and corrected himself. ‘Breakfast.’ He wandered over to the couch and perched on the arm, because Nandor was taking up every inch of the cushions.

‘It is blood!’ Nandor’s eyes roamed thirstily over his caked clothes. ‘Mmm, you smell so tasty. I didn’t realise you were a virgin.’

‘It’s not my blood!’ Ed snapped, offended. 

‘Whose blood is it then? Did something happen when you were filming tonight?’ Nandor’s eyes widened in fear. ‘Did something happen to Guillermo?!’

Shifting uncomfortably, Ed shoved another forkful of dinner into his mouth and said nothing.

‘Is it Guillermo’s blood?’ Nandor was sitting up properly now, a scowl engulfing his features. ‘Tell me, pathetic mortal!’

Ed gave him a sharp look. ‘You don’t even know if I was filming with Guillermo tonight.’

Nandor shrunk sadly into his cloak. ‘Just tell me if Guillermo is OK.’

The defeated look on his face made Ed take mercy. ‘Nandor, Guillermo is fine. I took him to the ER to get stitched up.’

‘Who did this? Tell me and I will avenge him!’

‘They’re already dead. Guillermo’s got it handled.’

‘Oh.’ Nandor looked hangdog. ‘Of course.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Guillermo flopped down opposite Áine, steam rising from their tea cups and wafting the sweet scent of honey to his nose. The banshee leant forward and inhaled deeply, sighing with pleasure.

‘Does wonders for the throat, this stuff,’ she said, voice scratching over the words. ‘So what did you invite me here for? Not for the craic, I presume. Something on your mind?’ She coughed and grinned. ‘Sorry. All that wailing’s got me throat banjaxed. Perils of the trade.’

‘Don’t worry about it.’ Guillermo’s nerves rose and he stirred his tea unconsciously, eyes fixating on the spoon. ‘Er, I guess I just wanted to talk about the whole like, killing vampires thing, and that you can see into the future, and does that mean I’m fated to keep doing this forever because it’s in my bloodline and somehow I can’t stop doing it even when I’m trying to, and you knew those vampires were going to die even before I did?’ 

Áine took a breath, but Guillermo was steaming along his train of thought and did not stop. ‘I know you don’t know everything, it’s just that nobody else can know I’m both a familiar and a vampire slayer, or an ex-familiar and an ex-slayer, and I thought you could maybe-’

‘Guillermo,’ Áine broke in. ‘Chill out.’

‘Yeah. Sorry.’

‘That’s ok, I know all the seeing-into-the-future business is a bit much for mortals to comprehend. No offense, like.’

‘None taken.’ Not like she was any ruder than Nandor on a good day, Guillermo thought.

‘I suppose I can try to answer your questions,’ she said, chugging the rest of her drink down. ‘Ah, feels better already. Alright, let’s start with destiny, or fate, whatever you want to call it.’

‘OK?’

‘Load of bollocks.’

‘Right. Um, why?’ Looking into Áine's empty eyes, Guillermo couldn't tell if she was serious or just messing with him.

‘I mean, does it matter? The thing about destiny is, no-one’s around to tell you what yours is. So even if you have one, you’ll never know about it. And if you never know about it, well then, it’s kind of irrelevant.’ She leant back, pleased with her own explanation.

‘Huh.’ Guillermo finally put his spoon down and took a long, thoughtful drink. ‘But… you said you’d never seen a slayer like me. I mean’— he dropped his voice —’I am a descendant of Van Helsing, and I killed all those vampires, right? That can’t be a coincidence?’

Áine cackled with the full power of her banshee lungs, and the rest of Panera turned to glare at them. ‘You’re right proud of that aren’t you? You know, it’s almost like you want to have a destiny. Then instead of your vampire fella telling you what to do, the universe will.’

Guillermo’s ears glowed pink. ‘He’s not my… “fella”.’ 

‘Sure,’ Áine scoffed. ‘Just a very close friend, eh. I know what familiars are like, always mooning after their masters. Look, how long did you two work together?’

‘Eleven years.’

‘And in those eleven years, how many did you spend killing vampires?’

‘Um… well, I actually only started killing vampires about a year ago.’

‘There you go then!’ Guillermo gave Áine a quizzical look, and she explained. ‘See, you think your destiny is killing vampires, but you’ve spent a lot longer helping them. So why are you so worried? Maybe you can be a vampire and a vampire-slayer. There’s no rulebook that says you can’t.’

Guillermo picked at a loose end on his sleeve. He sort of felt better. ‘I guess I could go back to Nandor and patch things up with him but… he’s treated me kind of badly and I don’t know if an apology is enough. And what if I hurt him by accident?’ He appealed to Áine with anxious eyes, hoping for more answers.

‘Aye, well, you’ll have to work that out yourself. I’m no sappy romantic. Though if you do end up shiftin’ him, maybe that’ll sort a few things out for you.’ 

Guillermo had not heard the term ‘shifting’ before, but he had a pretty good idea what she meant, and his flush spread further. 

Áine rose and clapped him on the back, beaming. ‘I’d best head off now - got a death to foretell at four. Good talking to you, Guillermo. Hope it all works out with your man.’ She glided out into a mysterious mist, leaving Guillermo to ponder.

_A vampire-vampire-slayer_ , he thought. _Maybe it could work?_


	11. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nandor has finally swallowed his pride enough to return to the old house. Though he doesn't know it, so has Guillermo.

Cold hands clenched on the even colder gate, Nandor halted outside the entrance to his former residence. Ed stood just behind, waiting for him to go on.

‘You know, I think this place is a bit overrated. Let’s just go—’ 

‘Nope.’

‘But your flat is really nice! I am happy to just live there forever.’ 

‘ _I’m_ not though.’ Ed said firmly. ‘C’mon. You can do this.’

Nandor twisted his face reluctantly and pushed. The gates creaked open.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Guillermo was lost in indecision when he heard Nandor’s voice. Ten minutes of nail-chewing had not got him very far, and the damp pavement was starting to soak into his pants where he sat, hidden from view. He couldn’t bring himself to knock at the front door, but he didn’t want to leave yet either. After a while, sitting down seemed like the best option; here, propped against the wall, he could mull over the nature of "destiny" in peace. 

What Guillermo had wanted out of this house visit wasn’t really clear. A hint, a sign, maybe even a final answer - did he really want to leave this old life behind? At the very least, he could check if Nandor was doing OK. Since Nadja mentioned his disappearance, the thought of Nandor lost, alone without his friends or his familiar, had tugged at Guillermo's heartstrings, even as he simultaneously knew that Nandor had brought it on himself.

So it was a relief to hear his old master, just as outrageously bossy and adorably useless as ever. _Not adorable_ , he admonished himself. _Nandor is not adorable, he is a dick._

He reasoned a little glimpse couldn’t hurt. As long as Nandor didn’t know he was there, he could just snatch one glance and be on his way. Bracing himself to stay cool, Guillermo peered around the corner, saw Nandor and totally lost it. Hands clammy and heart racing a thousand miles an hour, he tucked his head into his knees and breathed as quietly as possible. Coming back had been a bad idea, because now, he wasn’t sure he could leave again.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

As they approached the front door, it struck Ed that something was off, and Nandor noticed it too.

‘Very dark,’ he remarked. ‘They must be out hunting’.

‘Wouldn’t Colin would be in though?’ Ed said, and frowned. Nadja and Laszlo hadn’t mentioned any excursions. Whatever they were up to, it would probably have made for some good footage. 

‘Feels very empty. Like they haven’t been here in days.’ Nandor’s eyes widened sharply. ‘Do you think Guillermo killed them?’ He thought for a second. ‘Probably not, actually, I’m sure they’re fine.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Fortunately, Guillermo’s mortal ears were far too puny to hear this slander. He strained to catch Ed and Nandor’s conversation, but they were too far away now. Instead, he played with the insurance flask in his pocket, uncomfortably aware of the holy water within. After so many years, he wasn’t merely on equal terms with Nandor; _he_ was the dangerous one. But that terrified him even more. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Ed exhaled and shivered a little, casting an annoyed glance at Nandor as the vampire examined the inside of his cape.

‘Surely it doesn’t have that many pockets?’

‘Ahhh.’ Nandor pulled an apologetic half-grin. ‘To be honest, I don’t have a key. I didn’t even know this door had a lock.’

Frustration cracked at the edges of Ed’s voice. ‘Really?’

‘I was just going to lie to you,’ Nandor offered, only half ashamed. ‘Normally Guillermo handled it. Vampires opening their own doors, what century do you think this is? Pteh.’ He tutted in disgust and looked wistful. ‘If only Guillermo were here right now…’

‘Whose fault is that then?.’ 

‘I know, I know. I wish he would come back.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Guillermo corralled his shaking muscles into standing up. He inched along the front wall carefully, alert to being heard or spotted. _Just one more look at Nandor_ , he thought. Maybe next time, he wouldn’t be as handsome, and leaving him again wouldn’t be so difficult.

Close to the gate, the conversation grew audible again, and Nandor’s words came floating through the night. 

‘If only Guillermo was here right now.’

_He wants me back_. The cold air was a relief against Guillermo’s blushing face. He took refuge in a long stare at the stars as his feet itched to run, around the corner and into Nandor’s arms. _Nandor wouldn’t let you do that_ , he reminded himself. A deep breath in. _You should go, you should go, you should go. He’s still the same jerk. You should go._ He nodded to himself. _You’re leaving._

A brush on the back of his neck made him yelp. Guillermo swatted frantically at whatever it was, hoping to God that Nandor hadn’t heard that—

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Nandor broke off their discussion first. ‘Did you hear that?’ 

‘What, the van?’ 

‘No, not a stupid van, a noise. It sounded like—’

‘Wait, no, look at the van - it’s Colin!’

The van drawing up outside the house said Staten Island Rentals on the side, in garish orange font. Feeling Nandor shift beside him, Ed grabbed his cape with one hand and waved cheerily at Colin with the other. Seconds later, the doors of the van burst open. 

Nadja flew out first, descending on Nandor in a hail of spits and curses. ‘NANDOR! How dare you leave us! May a thousand stakes rain down upon you!’

Laszlo was fractionally more reserved. ‘Load of bloody rubbish, you fucking off into the night like that! In case you don’t remember, all of us nearly died, but Nadja and I didn’t go and cry in a bathtub for three weeks.’

Nandor turned to Ed, bewildered. ‘Did you tell them about the bathtub?’

Ed shook his head. ‘I didn’t even tell them you were living with me.’

‘You were living with him?!’ Laszlo jabbed his finger into Ed’s chest. ‘You chose a HUMAN over us? The cameraman, no less.’ He scowled at Nandor and feigned aloofness, grasping for Nadja’s arm. ‘Come, my lady wife. Let us retire to our coffins.’

They pushed past haughtily, lurching to a stop at the front door.

‘Fuck. I don’t have a key.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Colin was moving at a pace so slow, Guillermo wondered if he could sense him hiding there.The tree he was plastered to was digging into his back, but he wasn’t about to reveal himself. Not in the middle of this fight.

‘I’ve got the key somewhere, let me uh, have a look in the back.’ 

‘We all know you’ve got the sodding key, Colin Robinson’ Laszlo barked. ‘Stop messing around.’

‘Can’t hurry genius.’ 

Guillermo rolled his eyes, wishing they would hurry up. Eventually, the van door slammed and Colin’s footsteps began thudding up the path. Only a few moments now, and he could run for it.

He jerked suddenly as something flapped in front of his face. It felt just like the brush on his neck before, but this time, he saw it properly: a bat. A small, but suspiciously aggressive bat. Instinct kicked in and the bottle of holy water was out, popped open before Guillermo knew what his fingers were doing. The shower of splash turned instantly to smoke, the bat reeling around screeching. Guillermo’s heart sank as he watched it race away, wings sizzling. Whoever that was, they did not want to welcome Nandor home.

Fear swelled in his stomach for the Nandor and the others. It seemed like they would be safe tonight, but for how long? The determination to stand firm and stay out of Nandor’s life was slipping by the moment. Dimly, he heard Colin ask the others to stand aside. This was his moment to run, and he hesitated for only a second before making a getaway. Before he decided anything, he needed a good night’s sleep.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Nandor lingered outside the house as Laszlo and Colin filed in.

‘Are you coming in or not? Or do you want to hang out with your stupid human bloodbag for the rest of eternity?’ Nadja demanded.

‘I just thought I heard—’ Nandor looked out towards the street searchingly. ‘Never mind.’ He bid Ed a sad wave, and stepped inside.


	12. Conflict Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guillermo returns to stop the assassin, with a little help from Colin.

‘Guillermo, you should be out front.’ 

‘Sorry!’ He grabbed the soya refill and scarpered, embarrassed to be caught daydreaming by his supervisor. Today’s shift had been a mess. Milk in coffee it wasn’t supposed to be in, change given a quarter out. ‘Preoccupied’ was putting it mildly.

Last night’s excursion weighed heavily on his eyelids. He rubbed them sleepily and tried to focus on the next customer, running through the motions as enthusiastically as possible. 

It had occurred to him that a job change might fix his restless feelings, but there wasn’t much of a market for ex-familiars; ten years of ‘nothing’ was tough to explain. More than that, he knew nothing would ever match the thrill of the hunt, or the warmth of Nandor’s presence. (Ironic, since the vampire was as cold as the back-room fridge.) Did he just have to accept that 'real life' was kind of boring?

‘Can you hurry up? I have a meeting.’

Guillermo snapped out of it for the thousandth time that morning, handing over a cup with an apologetic smile that wasn’t returned. 

_What about that vampire_ , he thought. Real bats did not pester people or scorch when touched with holy water. It had to be someone out to get Nandor and the others. Revenge for the Théâtre?

‘This panini’s burning! Guillermo?’ 

‘Oh, shoot, sorry.’ 

He sighed and shunted the thoughts to the back of his brain. Six hours left on the clock. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Despite the comfort of his familiar coffin, Nandor had not slept well. Laszlo and Nadja didn’t want to talk, and without them as a buffer, there was no chance in hell he’d hang out with Colin. Instead, he mooched around his room until it was nearly morning, feeling sorry for himself.

When it was finally time to sleep, all he could do was stare at the roof of his coffin and wonder how mad with him everyone really was. Wriggling around, he tried to snuggle into the fur lining and get cozy, but he’d got very used to sleeping upright in Ed’s closet. And it wasn’t the same, sleeping in here, without Guillermo to close the lid. 

_Guillermo_. Nandor’s first impulse was to get up and shake off the thought, but it was definitely too early. The sun might still be up and be sneaking through the cracks; after all, Guillermo was not around to check the curtains. Reluctantly, he lay there, devoid of distraction, and considered the possibility that he might never see Guillermo again. It made him feel like he’d eaten human food: sick to the stomach and regretting all his choices.

He picked at his fluffy bedding dejectedly. There had to be something he could do. Nandor had not thought this hard about another person in centuries; vampires did not have to consider other people’s feelings, and it was very rude of Guillermo to make him. Deep down, he knew he’d been mean and childish and ungrateful, but that was just what vampires did!

‘This fucking guy,’ he muttered, and finally drifted off to sleep.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘¿A dónde vas? ¡Aún no has cenado!’ 

‘I know, amá.’ Guillermo tried not to make eye contact, doing up his trench buttons as quickly as possible, but he still felt his mother’s accusing stare. ‘Ok, I’ll grab something.’ He rushed over to the counter, jammed a couple of cheese slices into a sandwich and shoved it into his mouth, patting down his pockets to check all his stakes were there. 

‘Guillermo, ¿por favor dime no vas a volver a tu viejo trabajo?’ His mom looked at him suspiciously. 

He batted her question away without answering. ‘I’ll be back in the morning.’ It was nearly dark out, and he had to get going. 

The bus ride was agonising. He watched the sun sink further into the horizon and the streetlights come on as darkness fell, while they made every possible stop along the route. Finally, it was his stop and he sprinted off, backpack bumping against his spine. 

Approaching the house, Guillermo went through the plan in his head. Set up camp, survey the perimeter, check for any lingering bats or suspicious footprints, and then settle in to wait. It was going to be a long night.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘Gizmo? Oh man, Nandor’s gonna love this. GIZMO!’

Guillermo opened his eyes in panic and wrenched his head upright. Colin was grinning from ear to ear, happy to have tormented him awake.

‘How long have you been out here? Waiting for Nandor?’ He winked. ‘You two lovebirds sneaking around on the sly? I can go in and get him if you want—’

‘No!’

‘Well, your choice.’ Colin’s eyes flashed as he twisted the knife, enjoying Guillermo’s embarrassment. ‘If you’re shy, I can send you some videos about flirting. Looks like you might need some tips and tricks - Wikihow’s got some great ones.’

‘Colin!’ Guillermo’s voice squeaked in annoyance. ‘Please can you not? I think someone is trying to kill you.’

‘Oh. OK.’ Genuine interest shone through for a moment, surprising Colin himself.

‘I think they’re from the Vampiric Council,’ Guillermo whispered, scanning the sky as he spoke. ‘Keep an eye out, they might be back at any time.’

‘So, you wanna tell me how you know this? Because it sounds an awful lot like you’ve been stalking us. I’m pretty sure that’s what the kids these days call a ‘red flag’,’ Colin mused. ‘I should probably tell Nandor about that.’

‘¡Dios mío! Shut up Colin!’ 

‘Wow, touchy.’

Exasperated, Guillermo spelt it out to him.

‘I am here, to save you, and if you don’t shut up, I can go back home and leave you to get murdered by whoever it is that’s hanging around your house in the middle of the night.’ Colin smirked, and he hastily corrected, ‘Not me, the other person hanging around.’

‘Alrighty then, I guess I can give you a hand.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Nandor had slept in, he knew. He was awoken by the sounds of Nadja and Laszlo playing the strains of an unfamiliar tune. Or maybe a familiar one played very badly. Either way, it forced him out of his coffin and up.

At the door he hesitated. Seeing Nadja again could be pretty scary, if she was in the same mood as last night. Laszlo was no picnic either. Holding the handle, he leaned his forehead against the door and thought about what Guillermo would say.

‘Con-flict resolution’. He mouthed the words quietly. Guillermo loved conflict resolution. He was always pushing Nandor to forgive his grudges and get along with his housemates. For once, Nandor felt like taking his advice.

Nadja and Laszlo were by the piano, voices deliberately raised when he entered the room. Nandor cleared his throat uncomfortably.

‘Excuse me, I have something to say.’

Nadja’s eyes slid over to him for a split second before snapping away.

‘Laszlo, let’s do this number one more time.’ 

‘Coming up, darling.’ 

The urge to just leave them to it was strong, but Nandor held his ground.

‘Guys? I have something I want to say-’

The singing intensified to ear-splitting levels.

‘I’m here to say I’m SORRY!’ Nandor half-yelled. Both piano and singing stopped short.

‘Excuse me, what?’ Laszlo said. ‘Is Gizmo back? Did he put you up to this?’

‘No, I just-’ Nandor fumbled over his words. ‘I am sorry I left you and ran away. You must have been worried about me.’

‘I’ve never worried about anyone in my fucking life,’ retorted Laszlo, before softening. ‘Well, not very much anyway.’

Nandor cheered up considerably. ‘OK! Nadja, do you have anything you want to say?’

‘Hm.’ 

‘Like ‘sorry I spat at you’ maybe?’

Nadja drew back in horror. ‘’Sorry’ is a disgusting mortal word. You are picking up bad habits from them.’ 

‘Never mind, never mind.’ Nandor flapped his hands dismissively. ‘Does anyone feel like hunting some virgins?’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

They headed down the stairs ten minutes later, dressed in their finest. 

‘So where are we thinking tonight then? Manhattan?’ Laszlo rolled over the word lasciviously.

Despite his earlier triumph, Nandor was nervous. ‘What about Simon the Devious? He might not like us hunting on his territory.’

‘Tonight, Nandor, I feel ready to take on the world. What do you say, dear?’ 

Nadja was about to respond when Laszlo noticed Colin, lurking in the doorway. He blinked in confusion.

‘How long have you been here?’ 

‘Oh just a few minutes. Didn’t want to disturb you. I do have exciting news though.’

Nandor grimaced. ‘None of your bull-shit tonight Colin Robinson. We are going out!’ Striding towards the front door, he beckoned Nadja and Laszlo to follow.

‘I really think you want to hear this.’

He kept walking, yanking the door open and swooshing out in bat form. Colin raised his voice louder to call after him.

‘Guillermo was here!’ 

There was a swift thump as Nandor fell out of the sky, followed by an ‘Ouch!’. He picked himself up from the front step and stormed up to Colin, finger pointing in his face.

‘Colin Robinson, you are full of shit!’

Colin was unperturbed. ‘It’s true. I kept watch with him for a bit actually.’

‘You mean he’s still out there?’ The rage drained from Nandor’s face in an instant, replaced by a flutter in his dead, unbeating heart.

‘No, he left around ten minutes ago. After we chased off the assassin.’

‘The assassin?’ Nadja clutched Laszlo’s sleeve, teeth bared in horror. 

Nandor felt the conversation slipping away from him. He tried to yank it back. 

‘Fuck this assassin, where is Guillermo?’ 

‘Nandor, someone is trying to kill us!’ Nadja shrieked.

‘This is not the moment to be chasing a fucking familiar, Nandor!’

‘He is not a fucking familiar, he is MY fucking familiar!’ 

The three vampires stood in battle stance, inches from each other’s faces and screaming blue bloody murder.

Colin smiled. The house was in balance once more.


	13. The Rescue Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Guillermo to SAVE SOME VAMPIRES, BABY! If they'll let him, anyway.

‘Áine!’ 

‘Oh, I didn’t see you there Guillermo,’ Áine croaked, breaking a distant focus to blink at him. ‘The usual please.’ 

‘You doing ok there?’ Guillermo asked as he fixed her tea.

‘Eh, I’m alright, just a long list today you know.’ She cleared her throat again and surveyed the snack offerings through eyelids more luridly pink than normal. ‘I’ll take one of the pan au chocolats as well.’ 

Guillermo’s hands hovered over the pastries. He felt a little bad about what he was about to ask, but forged ahead anyway. This was a life-or-death matter. 

‘Áine? Can I ask you something?’

‘I haven’t got any sage advice for you today, pal’ 

‘It’s not actually about destiny this time. Do you know a vampire called Vladislav?’

‘Not sure, why would I-’ Áine stopped and narrowed her eyes, but her mouth twitched into a smile. ‘Sneaky. You’ll not find out from me if he’s dead.’

Guillermo held onto her tea as she put her hand out. He swallowed. ‘I know it’s against the rules, I’m sorry, just - I think Nandor might be in danger. And it would help if I knew who I was up against.’

‘Hmm.’ She beckoned the tea sternly, and Guillermo passed it over, head down in embarrassment. Áine relented. ‘Oh, ok. Fine.’ Eyes widened meaningfully, she shook her head. 

‘So he’s dead?’ 

‘No!’ she hissed, and then shook her head again, more slowly.

‘Oh, he’s alive.’

Áine nodded. ‘But you didn’t hear that from me, understand?’ She grabbed the pastry bag with a rustle and headed for the exit, stopping by the door to call back, ‘You better invite me to your wedding at the end of this!’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Ed and the crew arrived just as the sun went down on the vampires’ house. Colin greeted them with a perfunctory nod, engrossed in a phone call, and they glanced at each other with relief. No draining just yet. They broke out into a swarm of activity, ready to get some good footage after the last few days’ wash-out.

‘Keen to get Nadja and Laszlo interviews tonight if they’re up for it.’ 

‘I’ll go get the camera sorted.’

‘Ed, can you go check on the vampires? See if they’re up yet.’

‘Sure’. Ed noticed Nandor beckoning him from the top of the stairs, one eye scrunched shut in a cartoonish wink. Seeing Ed’s mouth open again, Nandor made a frantic shushing motion, jerking his head back towards the corridor behind him. 

‘Back in a sec guys.’

He peeled off and headed up to Nandor, who was already reversing into the music room. As soon as they were both inside, Nandor leaned close and cut right to the chase.

‘Ed I have been thinking, that it is time I apologised to Guillermo properly. Maybe even offer to’— he broke off and made a bat symbol with his hands.

‘Right.’ Ed was nonplussed. ‘And you needed to tell me this because…?’

‘Because I need to know where I can find him!’ Nandor’s expectant gaze met only raised eyebrows.

‘I’m not going to tell you that, Nandor. First rule of documentary ethics; don’t get involved.’

‘You’re already involved!’ 

‘Because you forced me to be! I didn’t ask you to come live at my house.’

‘Ok, but you liked it.’ 

Ed stepped backwards to face Nandor properly, catching the vampire's gaze as he tried to look away. ‘You’ll always get second chances with Nadja and Laszlo, because they have hundreds of years to waste. But Guillermo doesn’t. And I’m not going to help you convince him.’

Nandor’s face was hard to read. He advanced on Ed slowly, spine straightening until he towered over the modestly built cameraman with the full height and composure of his former warrior self. Before Ed could quake in his boots though, Nandor had flopped back onto a nearby chair and crumpled into the cushions. He squeezed one for comfort.

‘You are right, Ed. It is too late. I screwed up.’

Ed relented. ‘Well.’ A hesitant pause was all the hope Nandor needed. He perked up and threw the cushion aside.

‘Well?’

‘No, I didn’t mean I’d help you.’ 

‘Oh.’

‘I meant, if he does show up, you should talk to him. You never know.’ 

‘Ed?’, the director called from downstairs. 

Nandor waved him to go. ‘I will be here thinking. Don’t think you really want that on camera.’

Ed grinned. ‘No, not really. I’ll leave you to it.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Nadja and Laszlo preened each other’s hair, ready for the cameras. An incredibly large stuffed toy sat between them.

‘OK, let’s get this started’, the director said. ‘What have you been up to this week?’

They glanced at each over, eyes sparkling with excitement. Laszlo spoke first.

‘We’ve been doing Colin’s human bucket thing for a couple of weeks now. Vampire hunting, hipster draining, hell-hound petting, you name it, we’ve done it. And then we thought, 'What's one thing that every human with a bucket wants to do?’ 

Nadja answered with an effervescent shriek. ‘Disneyland!’ 

Laszlo patted the soft toy benevolently. ‘This little chap is what’s known as a Porg.’

‘Such an adorable little freak animal,’ Nadja said admiringly. ‘He is very squishy.’

‘We stole him as a memento. For two nights we found our thrills the human way - strollin’ the streets and riding the ‘coasters’

‘And then eating people on them.’

‘Mm yes, that too.’ 

‘I have to say, my favourite bit was’— _Hnffffffff_. Laszlo sniffed aggressively. ‘Can you smell that, my darling?’

‘Smells like… virgins?’ She mouthed a ‘what the fuck’ at the camera and got up, sweeping towards the source of the smell. ‘Nandor? Did you bring your dinner home?’

Hastily grabbing a camera, Ed followed her out. Whatever was going on, it was going to be good.

They hurried down the corridor towards the landing, the sound of bickering voices growing louder.

‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’

‘We shouldn’t fucking be here, man’

Hissing in displeasure, Laszlo and Nadja picked up the pace, hurrying towards the intruders at a speed that left Ed very out of breath. Downstairs, a familiar voice piped up.

‘I promise, it’s going to be fine.’

‘Fucking bloodsuckers.’

It was then that Nadja launched herself through the air with a scream, dive-bombing the humans in the hallway below. She emerged out of bat form with one hand around the collar of the offender’s hoodie.

‘What the FUCK did you just call me, you pathetic human baby? You think I’m a bloodsucker? Well I think you’re a worthless donkey!’ She frowned. ‘Wait. You’re that vampire slayer!’

‘Fucking VAMPIRE SLAYERS? In this household?’ yelled Laszlo, throwing himself down after Nadja. ‘Nandor! Colin! Get down here!’ 

Tonya reeled. Guillermo saw her hand reaching for Shanice’s proffered stake, and dashed forwards to grab it himself.

‘Give it back! She’s trying to kill me!’

‘No one is killing anyone! Can we all just remember what we came here for?’

Ed scrambled to keep up, rushing down the stairs while keeping an eye on the action. The sound recordist behind him tripped and fell, taking Ed out too as he rolled. They lay in a tangle of limbs, as he tried to get the Mosquito Collectors in his viewfinder.

‘Oh of course, what did you come here for?’ sneered Nadja. 

‘Please!’ Guillermo pleaded with Nadja, and then with the Collectors. ‘Just back off and we can all talk, please.’ He whipped a hand out to lower Claude’s crossbow, earning him a shove in return. Shanice seized the moment to lurch forward, holy water in hand. Eyes darting to the side, Guillermo noticed Colin standing in the corridor, impassively watching the chaos. 

‘Do something!’, he hissed.

Colin shrugged half-heartedly. ‘Hey you guys!’, he called. 

Claude snapped his attention over. ‘It’s this fucker again? You ALL live together?’

‘It’s actually pretty well-documented for day walkers and night walkers to live together. Although many would frame us energy vampires as more parasitic, each type of vampire can provide benefits the others can’t - it’s kind of a symbiotic relationship. As far back as 1354, records show’— 

‘No! I know what you’re doing!’ Claude tried to intervene as Tonya and Shanice staggered back, eyelids drooping. Guillermo seized the moment.

‘If everyone could just be quiet for a moment,’ - he made eye contact individually with each of the troublemakers - ‘that would be good. Um.’ He chose his words carefully, trying not set anyone off again. ‘So we are here to help you, because you’re in danger, and if we could all just sit down and talk about it, that would be great.’

‘Talk about what?’, an icy voice demanded. Guillermo licked his lips nervously.

Raising his head, his gaze travelled upwards, beyond the chandelier to the landing balcony, over the sturdy leather boots and past strong hands clenched on the rail like they were trying to choke it, until he met Nandor’s familiar, fathomless eyes and felt his whole body go weak.


End file.
